As Brynlee sits with me and loves on my super massive belly I can't help but wonder if she senses what is going to happen soon... or if she just thinks mommy's big belly is really neat. Which I mean it IS pretty neat, but still.

I wonder how much this big change is going to throw her little world off. I wonder if she is going to be mad at me for awhile for not being able to be with her every single second of every single day. I wonder if she will feel neglected or hurt that mommy and me time will now be gone unless her little brother is sleeping.

I wonder if she realizes how much I am truly cherishing every single last moment I have as just me and her. Even the ones where she makes me want to pull my hair out and lock myself in the bathroom.. these moments are cherished because I know soon it will be 10x crazier and I might actually pull out all my hair and seriously lock myself in the bathroom!

Every snuggle, late night, early morning, random car drives, and play time get us closer and closer to the end of this journey. I always watch her in complete amazement and realize how much I'm just going to miss this. I may not have completely let go of my guilt yet. And right now I'm currently struggling with "Can you just be here already, kid?!" and "Please give me time because I can't rob my daughter of this time we have left."

She will probably never understand this, but she will always be our first. And that is of great importance. She was my first baby I ever carried inside of myself. She was our first true, deep, insane love. She was the first to make us a bigger family. She was the first to witness all of our parenting experiments.

She was our first to give up everything we could to make sure she had what she needed. She was the first to keep us up night after night... after night. She was the first to make me cry out of pure exhaustion and happiness. She is our first child. And let's be honest, she is pretty damn awesome. We did good.

She was my first year of motherhood. The great, the horrible, the fun, and the crazy. She is my constant dose of confidence that I kinda know what I'm doing. She is my world.



Brynlee has taught me so much and I know she still has so much to teach me over the years. She has so much to teach her little brother and he will have so much to teach us all. As scary as this is, we are excited to see her become a big sister and watch them grow together.

Hopefully the next time I post up a blog it will be introducing our rad little man. I can't believe we have less than 3 weeks until he is here. Also, I quickly wanted to thank all of our family and friends who haven't given us too much crap about being so secretive about the name and date we are scheduled for his birth! We know it is kinda annoying and you don't really understand why we don't want to tell everyone, but it is really just my way of dealing with the fact I wasn't allowed the option to VBAC. So we couldn't just say SURPRISE! I went into labor! Haha. He will be here soon, though!