Get it Together, Ashley.
6:39 AM"Successful mothers are not the ones who never struggle. They are the ones who never give up, despite the struggles." -Sharon Jaynes
These last two months have been harder on me... emotionally than I expected.
I have had such a miserable time since we brought Balen home. That sounds SO horrible, but it is the truth.
The first few weeks were pretty easy since all he did was eat and sleep, but around 3-4 weeks we hit a turning point and it was all down hill from there it seemed.
I'm not sure if Balen had colic or what, but boy... would he just scream and cry constantly. If he was not nursing or being held a certain way by me, it seemed like all hell was breaking loose. He would cluster feed all day and all night and still act like he was starving. By about a month and a half I felt like I was glued to Balen and couldn't manage to do much else. Brynlee was always in a bad mood because I was in a bad mood and I wasn't fully there for her. Averaging at about 3 hours of sleep a night from the constant nursing, I was exhausted and I wasn't enjoying either of my babies.
I started to supplement with formula to get a break in between feedings, but I still clung to nursing and I still felt overly consumed by it. He would nurse from both sides and then need a bottle. He just wasn't getting what he needed from me and it sucked.
Balen is growing up so fast and I've been super emotional about it. A lot more than I was with Brynlee. I'm not sure if it's because how down I've been.. that these moments keep passing and I'm trying to play catch up or if it's because he may be our last so I know all of his firsts are my lasts.
These things on top of not being able to really leave the house as much as I use to, trying to keep up with work, and Tim being gone so much, kinda just sent me into a spiral of saddness. And my negativity just fed from itself constantly. Our house became dirtier than usual because I stopped caring what it looked like. Tim was lucky if he got to have clothes hung up and a home cooked meal. I pushed aside the things I normally loved doing, like reading and writting. The more it went on the crappier I felt.
I've never been one to talk openly about how I'm really feeling. I give you bits and pieces, but I won't tell you how bad something is for me. I just put on my brave mask and fight my battles quietly. It just wasn't working this time around.
So I did what I thought I needed to do and threw myself into projects and volunteer work. Neither of which worked by the way. Projects became half done and all the volunteer work I tried to take on stressed me out. I just felt... guilty. Guilty I was totally over breastfeeding already. Guilty I wasn't happy. Guilty I was letting these precious moments keep going by without really enjoying them. Guilty I was being a crappy wife and mom.
And I didn't feel like myself. I felt.. vacant from my own life. In a constant daze. I started to feel like I really needed someone to hold my hand to get through basic things through out the day, but at the same time I didn't want to see anyone. It's been a weird time.
It's a horrible thing to stop enjoying something you loved so much.
Anyway, now here we are a little over two months in and things have gotten better. After a huge tug of war struggle between formula and breastfeeding, Balen is pretty much on formula with the occasional dine in at restaurant mom. And that alone took so much stress off of me. Looking at this makes me look a little selfish, but let me tell you something - if you aren't happy and aren't feeling good about yourself, you are no good to your children. They need you at your best or half best at least.
Like my aunt always tells me - we should be thankful that the option to use formula exists. Breast is best, but fed is better my friends.
And then this last week I had a moment of Wow, Ashley. You really need to get your shit together.
Self pep talks, guys. Do them!
So I've taken a step back. Throwing myself into more and more things was making me just more exhausted and less available for my kids. I switched business scenes that didn't require me to be constantly attached to my phone or computer and I'm scaling back on volunteer work. I have to swallow my pride on this one and say I can't be the busy bee I use to be. I can't do it all right now.
That feels really good.
Both babies are in higher spirits lately. Brynlee has that sweet devilish smile back on her face and Balen is now content to hang out on his play mat.. as long as sister is close by. I'm reminding myself to soak up the moments again. All of the moments Brynlee wants to sit in my lap to read and all of the moments Balen cuddles peacefully on my chest. Seeing them happy makes me happy.
And I cleaned the house today which also makes me very happy! Look at me adulting over here.
There is a ways to go, but I'm digging myself out of this hole I've been curled up in for a few months. Starting with this post. Because the truth is there can be a dark side to motherhood and it's times like these. Times that you aren't happy being a mom. As much as it truly sucks it is okay. Recognize and talk about it or get the help you need so you can be the best you for yourself and your family.
I've got goals and plans. I'm ready to get myself back to being the best mom for my babies and best wife for my husband.
6 comments
Thank you for sharing so truthfully!!
ReplyDeleteYou took the words right out of my mouth. I have always been afraid to tell anyone and I still havent. I regret it. I am still trying to change it. She will be 3 years old... and I just want nothing to do with her. And she knows it and clings to her dad. But she also known that her hugs and kisses give me hope and make it worth it to try and move forward.
ReplyDeleteDon't regret it, it is never too late to turn things around for you and your daughter! I hope you are able to make your relationship better, it can be so tough, but don't stop fighting :) Keep that little hope she gives you close.
DeleteLoved this! I was having this exact problem with my daughter. Constant crying and being attached to my boob. I also started supplementing and let me tell you, a huge stress was taken off of me! I'm right there with ya dear!
ReplyDeleteI had to supplement with my daughter as well, I was just hoping this time would be different. I think that's why I was so bummed about it, but as long as they are fed that is what matters! :)
DeleteWhen my son (first born) was born he was colic and I was only 18 years old when I had him. I had postpartum depression with him. It was so hard. I can totally understand how you feel. You are right that there can be a dark side to parenting and that it not as easy as people make it out to be. But all I have to say is that all those sleepless night and my son crying was so worth it because now he is the sweetest kid. He gives my husband and I no problems. He cleans without complaining and always knows how to say the right things. Before you know it your son won't be crying. I know its hard to believe. Kisses and hugs from one mom to another.
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